does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
