wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
