Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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