remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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