did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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