If that was your dad, he is hot
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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