allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
