well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Randomize
