I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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