"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Randomize
