Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
