we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
