I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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