It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize