I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
