I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
