I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
