Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
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