farters have to be the big spoon...
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
