i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
