i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize