I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
