I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
