So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
