My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
