I think I won the penis lottery.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
