MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
