so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I need moral support for this bender
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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