I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
