i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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