I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
