I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
