Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
