well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize