i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
