i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
two words: eviction party
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
