idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
