i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
He told me they were just razor bumps!
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
