I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
