I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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