No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
