I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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