i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
