Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
