you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
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