My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
