If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
