You're my little dorito
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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