Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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