What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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