I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
