Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize