if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
