drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Princesses don't give blow jobs
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
