apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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