Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
