I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
