I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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