Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
