somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Randomize
