do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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